In Search of God...

I was watching a documentary concerning hell. It mentioned how the only time the devil has permission to interfere with our lives is if God gives him access, as in the biblical story of Job. Forgive me if I jumble this up a bit, for I had been in a cloudy mood when I watched this, perhaps evidence of the devil acting in my life. I've had a personal struggle that I'd account for God acting on behalf of my welfare by blessing me with a trial by fire. Almost like an indirect encounter with the devil himself, though not visibly, I felt a great depression. I rose above that. Then another fall, like Jesus falling a second time on the cross. The devil entered again. This was an uphill climb for me. Then a third fall, not as hard but just as important. In each case, I overcame it for what reason?....That it was God's intention all along.

But there are current questions, struggles, confusions I have yet to resolve, like little devilish children playing their mischief insatiable with their hunger to make all of human frailty do their bidding. I had prayed, but realized my error. I prayed for what I wanted and thought I needed. I got frustrated and angry because in spite of doing what I thought was right, I felt unheard 10% of the time. That crucial 10% is what is needed in my life to change...but what 10% is needed?... Then I read somewhere that yes, all who ask shall receive. The clincher? All who ask under His will (and not thine own) shall be answered! ....Well, of course. NO wonder it was so difficult.!

Still, I pray for that drive...to pray according to His will, wondering what I desire in life is truly God's bidding. Why plant desires and ambitions and talents that are useless in the end and serve no end?...It is that of the human condition to want more and be more. My mistake? Again, to want more from life and others, forgetting that one should be asking more FROM oneself than FOR oneself. Rather than constantly receiving rewards we should be willing to give of oneself in the service of God that might make a difference in others' lives...

Which brings me to a dilemma? What is my truest calling? I came into the health care profession reluctantly, not because I didn't want to help people. I thought that in the end my creativity with music and songwriting could help others in some way. But in some regards, my current job gets me closer to those I help in direct contact with those I service. It is like a missionary work of some sort. Helping others recover after bringing life into the world. That is a joyous thing to be a part of I think. There have been times where I've helped a patient cry and vent their feelings and afterwards they felt better. Another, a father thanking me for helping them with their infant. Another saying what a wonderful job I've been doing. And another patient saying thank you incessantly for doing everything for her, where I was just doing my job...

Service for others...yes, like Jesus, I am like washing the feet of others, humbling myself in others presence. I'm no better than anyone else, but maybe this is where I'm called to?...Though, there are other things involved in work that casts doubts on what God is calling me to do....

I often wonder if God denies me certain things for a higher purpose yet to be revealed. I continue to search for God. Driving in the driver's seat, continue to look out the window hoping that at the next intersection I make the right choice -whether to continue the course I've been going or go Left or Right!....

God, your will be done!