Strengthening the Buttresses of Faith

I spontaneously found the church where I was baptized on my quest looking for a Starbucks I spotted earlier nearby. The church compelled me to enter and I felt a peace that I hadn't felt in a long time. I opted out of taking my usual Starbucks run to be filled with the Spirit versus a caramel macchiatto. That day would remind me of the following days thereafter where I searched for meaning and peace in my life. Dissatisfied with how my life was going I said a prayer and lit a candle for various intentions.

Lately, I have had another weakening of spirit. It can happen for different reasons. For one, it had something to do with what seemed likea falling out with a friend only to be misunderstood as venting from a very tired long day at school, though I still feel the aftershock. Apology accepted, forgive and forget, is my religious credo so we have patched things nicely. However, there has been another nick in my triumph over the compromising of one's faith. For some reason, I was doing quite nicely, reading the bible everyday, in the goal of trying to read the bible in its entirety by the end of the year...Perhaps caught on interpretation or dissonance in the way I believed versus what I read, I felt a frustration and stopped in my spiritual path.

Now stunted, I feel even more weaker than before! In the times when I was actively seeking God's presence in my life, I felt rejuvenated. Life had meaning. I was not afraid of anything or any of my own weaknesses, many of which I thought I had overcome. It seems funny how when the soul lapses back into usual MO, the harder it is to get back each time to where one has left off. Guilt and shame are key factors in my religion and often times it helps one refocus, but also can harbor self resentment in the way one feels he or she has become. It makes one question if he or she is worthy of God sometimes....

But just like a friend as mentioned before who dissed me, I had dissed God in some way?...Yet I know in my heart of hearts He forgives me and forgets what I have done out of simply being human.

Lord, I beseech you to intercede on my behalf again. I do not wish to slip back into that darkness where I no longer uttered your name unless to spite you. Lord, please, I beg your friendship to help me overcome what is to follow.