Deep End

We Are All Superheroes

2009-08-15T08:58:00.002-04:00

Need A Savior...Until The Savior Comes, We'll Settle for Superman!!!

Everytime I found myself in a life threatening situation I had been wearing my cross at the time. No exception to what happened or nearly happened tonight. I think I might've stopped a robbery before it happened at a local main bookstore. Luckily I knew a friend who was working at the time there. I brought to his attention to suspicious individuals. They were trying to blend in by reading a magazine but they totally weren't reading for entertaient nor their for each other's friends company. No small talk. Silence between them as though taking on cues like a pitcher takes from a catcher. Stranger behavior followed and my heart raced even more!!! I thank God and the angels I'm alive. Even though it seems self aggrandizing to admit, I'd like to think I saved some people today.... Now I know what it's like to sacrifice oneself for the good of others :0)

Bless each day you're alive, yet don't be afraid to act with courage when you know it's the right thing to do!

HoLy SpiRit BooK CluB :)

2007-10-23T13:49:00.000-04:00

These are currently on my to read list, or currently reading:

1. Chronicles of Narnia (special collection) -C. S. Lewis
2. Training in Christianity - Soren Kiekegaard
3. The Great Divorce - C.S. Lewis
4. The Imitation of Christ - Thomas A. Kempis

Secular thoughts on religion and spirituality:

1. Life of Pi - Yann Martel

Please share your current booklist :)

Almighty Praise for Evan Almighty :)

2007-06-25T22:03:00.000-04:00

This morning was like any ordinary day. Woke up. Ate. Changed. Beautified my eyebrows with a wax and then prayed at a weekly novena... On the way home, a lady bug landed on my window, as if gravitated to my presence by some inner kinship unspoken by a much higher force between us. My family decided we were to see EVAN ALMIGHTy but debated whether we'd miss the 5:45 show. Knowing past encounters from being a movie fiend with a few minutes to spare before the movie starts, I realized that even though we were just pulling out of the drive way by 5:30 knowing a 20 minute ride was ahead, I had to have faith that as soon as I sat down in my cushioned theater chair that the last credits would roll with the words DIRECTED BY Steve Odekirk, popcorn in hand and just in time for the movie! As always, it never failed.... And then it hit me as I watched this film, God does work in subtle ways, watching our every move and preparing our next steps, communicating in small ways. Though what I'll explain in the following will be lost to those who are not me and unable to associate little things that connect with the film with my personal experience, I hope that those who do read this and see the film will appreciate the film's themes:

1) Family
2) Conservationism/Environmentalism
3) Faith in the heat of criticism, ridicule, and risk of losing everything
4) Corruption and materialism
5) Individual responsibility/Random acts of Kindness (e.g., in changing the world)

Before putting my personal spin to this film, I have to laud Steve Carrell for another performance. He has chosen a career path unlike any other. His comedy is unique, though all successes of great comics lie in their ability to maintain their individuality among a slew of others doing the same thing. Steve Carrell also portrays Evan in ways that present hints of a budding dramatic actor that has the potential to make an audience weep with a range to dance into our hearts with bizarre waves of humor and obscure pop culture references (Gomer Pyle's "Golllllllleeee"). His character in the film is different and yet in some ways similar to his character Michael from The Office. The two collide in their desperation to be understood, though they diverge in their ways of gaining sympathy from others. Evan's persistence to be understood by others has him ridiculed by others and accussed of being mentally unstable, he continues with everyone in the end seeing it his way with redemption in the way his life is changed thereafter. On the other hand, Michael's desperation for love and attention and understanding leads him to nearly just as bizarre behavior, but constant practice of such behavior only isolates him from his employees who will always continue to think he is insane. I look forward to Carrell portraying more serios and darker roles in the future which could not hurt his career but escalate him even further even beyond Robin William's caliber I dare say!

(SIDE BAR: To THE OFFICE fans, you'll be able to see some cameos of Dundees such as Andy who in the film has some airtime as anchorman, whereas a cameo of Martin can be seen if you watch the ark scene as they near the capital building!)

As for the themes mentioned above, I nearly cried much to the credit again to the acting of Steve Carell but let's not forget Morgan Freeman. In discussing the film afterwards, my mother made an astute comparison how the ALMIGHTY series is our generation's Oh God! films that featured George Burns as God. With the move in special effects, the ALMIGHTY films outdo Burns 100 fold but perhaps the proselytyzing is preserved in both generations. Evan's wife, Joan, who separted briefly with the kids in the midst of things getting out of control, is told by God : When you ask for patience, are you immediately patient at that time or are you given the opportunity to be patient? When you ask for courage, are you given courage or the opportunity to be courageous? And when you ask for family to be closer, do you get a quick warm, fuzzy feeling or given the opportunity to be closer?...Then he takes his opportunity to leave and in his absence, Joan is blessed with a return of food in a once empty plate....Indeed, ask and you shall receive! I wish God appears to me one day in a Starbucks :)

Side by side, in speaking about the ark as a love story, God emphasizes the need to have two people stick together whatever comes their way! And in truth, this is a message that should be shared more often than not. This is a time with families more divided emotionally distant through technology and materialism (note the gorgeous house and Hummer that Evan lives and drives, only to be driven into an oblivion making a huge statement that we certainly cannot take what we reap on earth with us where it matters! ) Corruption also rears its face and brings a throwback to the tragedy of the New Orleans plight caused by Katrina and the flood victims that followed in the aftermath. Though there was no Evan to save our real world, how beautiful to have film as a medium to get the message across that "cutting corners" will lead to consequences. Other sources of corruption is filtering money from cutting corners in efforts to create dams of low quality and then later using that money and clout to create a bill that will only destroy the earth of its beautiful land resources...Here is where the land and animals converge together to make their mark within a veiled attempt to respond in AN INCONVENIENT TRUTH fashion.

Faith in the heat of being told you are crazy is true belief in God. To lose your life is to gain your life, as the Bible is oft quoted. How appropirate in the end for Evan's case. As his days prior to building the ark seemed like a breakdown, he resisted human influence and trusted the unknown. In a world where we trust humans and the sometimes devastating consequences that can occur when that trust is left in inappropriate hands, we may need to build an ark in our own hearts to survive the flood of the culture that barrages us now with innappropirate lifestyles and selfish acquisitions we so much desire but are not so much in dire need of. How can we change the world? With an act of random kindness (A.R.K.)!

---------------- My Personal Connection -----------------------Evan Almighty-----------------
Because we arrived about 6:00 at the theater, I'm guessing I did arrive at my seat about 6:14? Coincidentally, everyday Evan wakes up, it is at this time which matches the Genesis verse where Noah is called upon God to build an ark made of gopher wood. Parts that made me cry, was already mentioned, that between Evan's wife and God, because I have often asked for courage, patience, and family to be closer-now I know I must pay attention to God's signs of those opportunities He must be sending but I've been ignoring.

Jesus, Text Me Please :)

2007-04-24T23:43:00.000-04:00

I was annoyed today when attending my godson's Confirmation. I wasn't annoyed that I was there. It was the people, particularly this father and daughter. They were callous and disrespectful during the ceremony. No consideration to turn off their cell phones.Even during the liturgy of the Eucharist, the girl constantly is texting on her Sidekick (TM)! How annoying! And the father, with some credit was just as annoyed, but yet heeded to his own calls on his cell phone!!! Unless Jesus or God was calling or messaging, the least they could've done was turn off their phones!

It then urged me to look up at an image of the divine mercy of Jesus, stern in apperance yet also sad. I felt a kinship as though I felt what he was feeling. Perhaps slower to anger than I, he seemed to look as though sad that there are those who dare to ignore him or fail to get close to him or refuse to know him...How I sometimes feel like that! Yet, because I am human, I get jealous, angry, sad, and depress. In spite of all the injustices to the point of his death, Jesus still continues to love us and wants more of us to love him. How sad he must be with the state of the world now, with violence replacing innocence and innocence practicing violence! I mourn for the days when we really stood together as people who connected as "family." Now even families can become divided! I pray for them who suffer from poverty, corruption, any injustice! We all need to pray for each other!

Will you join me in prayer each day?...

God bless...

Hangin onto Hope

2007-03-05T19:00:00.000-05:00

Yesterday, going down to the lower church, I picked up a little token that people usually leave for other parishoners to take as they walk by. It was a pebble with HOPE inscribed on it. Seconds later, my eyes caught glance of a small basket with a sign that read:

PLEASE PRAY FOR OUR CONFIRMATION CANDIDATES.

I only know 2 people out of 56, but I really hoped that I might pull out my godson's name from the basket. I nearly passed on the chance, thinking what are the odds of my picking up his name?...Pretty good actually!!!! Not too long after picking up the piece of paper, I looked at it with indifference which changed to disbelief then to amazement....I picked his name!!!!

Makes me more hopeful that God is watching what I do...that can also be a little intimidating ;)

Just Like Faith to Slip Me By Again

2007-01-14T12:31:00.000-05:00

Okay, here's an analogy. Pretend God is real, I mean really concrete and visible. Everyone knows what he looks like and wants to be His friend. So you learn a bit about Him. You even talk to Him, and it's like you've been friends all your life. Suddenly, without notice, God no longer calls or keeps in touch. Is He still thinking about you? Well, true believers will say, "Of course, you fool. He's just very busy taking care of the world He's created and everything and everyone that occupies it. You are not the center of the universe."....

Which brings me to a case in point. I feel as though God deserted me again. Just when I call I hear nothing. Just when I feel I'm trying to reach out, I feel ignored. Why would God give me a taste of something good only to take it away?...This has been ongoing in my life. For it seems, since I met this so called person, I've met other blessings in terms of finding new friendships because of how this person made me feel about myself. I felt more open to meet new friends and people. I felt more confident in myself...Then...a void enters and suddenly I don't know who I am again....True what they say. Work on yourself before others can get to know you, but I was working on myself at the moment on becoming more spirtual. Was this what drew my friend away?...

God, please do not treat me like some people do. I often feel disposable like tissues or trash that are long forgotten. If I have displeased you, it is only in that I feel so removed from you right now, with these crippling doubts in others who I looked up to. Perhaps my fault was not looking up to You?...But is it not true that you are in other people too?...

The New Year...

2007-01-01T21:34:00.000-05:00

Well, not a great time to get sick...I only have enough strength to update on one of many blogs I write...And trust me there are many :)...

I guess the one thing I can write without expending too much energy is to thank God for blessing me with life. I could be much sicker in a hospital or finding out I only have so many months to live. I could be living in war torn Iraq or even neighborhoods torn by violence and crime. I could be running for my life everyday, avoiding being the next target of gang violence. I could no longer be here writing these words to you!

My blessings are small yet big in value. I am blessed with a family that really loves me. Though I have friends that live far away, I know that they are sincere. I even met new ones, even one that may or may not blossom to something more. I got to spend more time with my godson, at least near the holidays (but I know as he grows older, these times may be the only times I'll get to spend with him...a previous personal blunder between his parents & I has made me reluctant to ask for more days for us to hang out, and I know now more than ever that I see through him my opportunity to be a big sister or even a mother I never got to be or hope to be).

I don't know what God wants from me or has in store for me this year. I only hope that with each day I grow into a better, spiritually richer, generous, and selfless person.

Peace, Light, and Godspeed to you all this 2007 and thereafter.

May you keep this world and those you are close to in it in your prayers.

Stephen Baldwin: An Unusual Suspect

2006-11-29T00:21:00.000-05:00

Check out his book The Unusual Suspect. ;)

People might think I'm a zealot, but I am far from that. I just can't get over something that now has made me feel worthy and alive and awake! I feel I am getting closer to my purpose. That God has become more of a friend to me than a stranger. If that turns people off, so be it. I don't wish to scare off people either who might not have reached my level of faith. I am open to all views, but only ask that you be open to mine as well :)
*THIS WAS WRITTEN BY THE BLOG'S AUTHOR AND NOT THE PERSON FEATURED ABOVE*

Spritual Cornucopia

2006-11-19T21:01:00.000-05:00

In honor of Thanksgiving coming up, I post this special blog of a certain awareness and gratefulness from which I received tonight at mass. I have experienced (forgive the mix of theologies) "zen" moments in the past, though few. They made me feel a special connection as though God were speaking to me, giving me a sense of peace. That is the certain feeling I felt tonight. Particularly with the priest's homily...In it, he describes moments in our lives when we experience doubt, be it through death of loved ones, illness, loss of job, extramarital affairs, wars. The list could go on. But then he retells his college encounter listening to a priest who instilled in him this message: "If you allow Jesus Christ into your life, all of your problems will be solved." Tonight's mass celebrant related how he asked himself then, "Really? ALL of my problems?"...Well, not our credit card debts or what not, but in those real trials of faith, God will be there for us...I don't know. Maybe it's my female hormones as I get older, but I felt like I wanted to cry. Lately, I've had a hunger and thirst to experience God in my life. I must trust in HIs timing, but I am only human...

Prior to mass, I decided to put into memory the prayer of ANIMA CHRISTI

SOUL of CHRIST, sanctify me;
BODY of CHRIST, save me;
BLOOD of CHRIST, inebriate me;
WATER from the side of CHRIST, wash me;
PASSION of CHRIST, strengthen me;
O, good JESUS, hear me;
Within your WOUNDS, hide me;
Separated from you, let me never be;
From evil, protect me;
At the hour of my DEATH, call me.
At your side, bid me;
That with your saints, let me be;
PRAISING you forever and ever.
AMEN.

The priest related his introduction to his sermon to the Gospel that discussed that there will be time of suffering before Jesus is to return...It is like predicting the weather. When you sense a change in environment, you will know that summer is coming. Much in the same way that Jesus will return. I found it poetic, that first the following must occur before light is to befall us again:

...the sun will turn dark
the moon will cast no light
and the stars will fall from the sky

How often do we ourselves feel like this everyday?...Perfect lyrics for a song...Only wish I got my voice back to compose and sing it :(...But God has something better waiting for me I suppose ;)

THINK BIG

2006-11-15T19:43:00.000-05:00

http://www.achievement.org/autodoc/page/car1bio-1

I got inspired lately. We need real life heroes these days. THough I'm into the show HEROES, we must look to those who help us see the hero within.... I like the anagram mentioned in the above link that successful neurosurgeon Ben Carson (successful doctor of separating siamese twins joined at the back of the head):

T - alent : we are given many talents; nurture the intellectual talents as well
H - onesty: lead a good life; build no skeletons that will come back to haunt you
I - nsight: comes from people like Ben Carson, people we might like to become and can learn from their triumphs & mistakes
N- ice: be nice to others and they'll be nice to you
K- nowledge: makes you needed by others and valuable part of society

B-ooks: mechanisms for learning
I-n-Depth Learning: learn for sake of knowledge and understanding; NOT to impress others
G- od: never leave Him behind

Seek true empower heroes and mentors so that you can be a hero and mentor to someone else.

Art and God

2006-11-12T14:00:00.000-05:00

http://www.dountoothers.org/stephenbaldwin.html

http://www.artakiane.com/home.htm

Two things were brought to me from God on two separate days. Last night, I spent an evening at Barnes & Noble, reading and whiling the hours alone as usual. A small reprieve for a busy life that is consumed by work. I find the greatest company between the front and back covers of books. They have always been trusted companions. Lately, my journey in life has led me to the Christian Inspirational section. So many books about defending ourselves against the attack of the Enemy. So many books on how to keep our focus on God. So many books on how to just rely on God and have faith that God will provide for us. We seek something that all of us wish to see....but cannot, which is frustrating for us as humans. In an age of instant gratification and seeing is believing, we raise a generation of doubting Thomases...I have become part of this group, yet seek signs from above that God will be there waiting to show Himself. Indeed He did just that. Twice within that evening it occurred. I came upon 2 books. The first was surprising. It was written by Steven Baldwin, yes, said actor notably appearing in the film The Usual Suspects. The book was titled The Unusual Suspect. It discussed his journey from mainstream Hollywood and its enticements and lure to his new ministry fueled by hardcore faith. (Copy & paste link below Stephen's picture...I like how he is posing. It recalls a pose of my once said fave actor James Dean, a rebel in his way, but when thinking of rebelling, what better way to rebel against the world than to rebel as Jesus did!) The second book spoke to the budding artist dying to come out within me. But some of us are born with a mission, as in the book of AKIANE, a young girl who wakes her mom, an atheist at the time, to say that she met God...You must pick up the book to read her story and see for yourself the amazing paintings she had God paint through her. One suspects that she has seen the true image of Christ!!!!! What a blessed child...And evidence that God does truly exists!

Small things like these raise me up, but even more when I went to church today.

My attenae highly tuned to God today, I heard every word that was said at mass. Perhaps it was the young seminarian's dynamic way of speaking in almost a child like air, innocent yet profound in his message. I prayed that God would reenter my life, and suddenly I was brought with an inspiration. Looking at the communion of people in this church, I thought of stories each of these people might share. The music ministry inspired a potential story of a family of musicians suddenly struck by a crisis of faith within the church and must refocus their mission if it is truly meaningful. Then I thought of the families randomly coming and going as church ended. What trials and tests were they enduring?...IN my own private prayer after receiving the eucharist and wine, I prayed that God would send me his guidance and words to inspire me... Through a random person who I have seen on occassion in church, I met a man into the arts!!! A painter no less from the Academy of Fine Arts! His intensity was truly apparrent. Often times, such intensity can be scary, but perhaps that is what artists are-intense...Interestingly enough, this man introduced himself on the assumption that by my looks I might be a person who is into art...He was right...Through hiim though some things felt a little scrambled in his message (unlike that of the young seminarian, which I felt a peace and comfort), I learned another tid bit...that God comes from within, something you cannot learn from books. Well, the one book I will learn from is the greatest book ever...The Bible...and through the Word of God, I am at the ready, either to defend against the Enemy or inspire others through my actions-either as a nurse or an artist or a writer, or all three combined. I also felt that God was working through this man in what he said that one of his teachers was a nurse AND an artist, while when he himself was teaching one of his students said, "I don't think I can be an artist. I'm going to be a nurse."..."Why can't you be both?" were his words (Mr. J. I'll call him).

He might appear a little offsetting, but what about Jesus? Did he not ruffle the feathers of some people not use to what he was teaching? Better to keep an open mind than to miss out on a big lesson the Lord might be teaching us through His creation.

In closing, I reflect on my relationship with others. Friendships have always been a mystery for me to maintain, and kept those afar most valued, for it seems absence makes the heart grow fonder...and even more patient and understanding. How often I've been hurt by those I consider trustworthy and compassionate. In putting my place in God's, I have always been quick to forgive and forget, though my mother would say it makes me an easy target for others to walk all over me. Perhaps this is so, and I pray for God to give me the self-confidence to know where my battles require me to take my position and defend myself. But otherwise, I have seen myself in the position of God trying to keep His love with those He had created. Does it not pain Him if they have rejected Him? Ignored Him? Cursed Him?...Do unto others as you would like to have been treated...Is that not a human quality exposed in God?...That perhaps he too gets sad when we don't call Him through prayer or seek His counsel, or hang out his house for just even an hour? Relationships are hard to maintain....Do we seek the right ones?...WHy do we stay in abusive ones? Because there isn't anything else better or available? My goal is to find friendship with my Lord, to direct and guide me and hope one day I can be as moved as these people mentioned above were. Go to the links to learn more and do your own Google research or go to Barnes & Noble...Though I've been told, God is not found in books, it is within.....had I not found the books above, I would not have found any evidence of how great God can move people deeply, whether it be a formerly indulgent actor or through the purity of a child with the wisdom greater than any elder I've known!!!!

peace, and keep witnessing God's works to others by producing your own works of art!

P.S. I plan on taking a course at St Charles on youth ministry....If it is God's will, so it shall be done...

A Twist on Creation

2006-11-07T20:22:00.000-05:00

Recall Genesis and the sin of Adam & Eve? Or better, the temptation of Eve?...Now, recall the words of the devil enticing Eve to eat of the Forbidden Fruit of the Tree of Knowledge?...What happened?...The fall of man....

The devil in this example played on Eve's desire to be powerful and all knowing, as God! She was deceived to think that "surely she would not die...Did not God say to eat off all the trees?....(How convenient the devil did not remind her of God's next condition, "But of the Tree of Knowledge you are not to eat!" How many times we've done this in our own lives, removing the context of what has been asked of us only to rationalize our decisions and behaviors...

Being a person to interject faith now in every waking part of life, I try to wax theology with media. We need to see how God can speak to us. The above illustrates Nacho's (Ignacio's) human need for power, more specifically super strength to be the greatest luchador! Esquelto, his sidekick, tells him that there is a man (symbolism of the devil perhaps) who knows where to get eagle eggs (the forbidden fruit). In his quest, Ignacio must climb a cliff and eat of the yolk of the egg to fulfill his wish...What follows is a great dive into the water (fall of man)....Did Ignacio receive any super strength? No (deception)

Though charming also in itself, Ignacio has suddenly found feelings for a nun Sister Incarnacion...With their vows, they have been good at not breaking, though Ignacio is wiling to break them as seen in another scene in the movie...The end of the film may seem like an improvement, for he redirects his energies to the orphanage but with still lingering feelings for Sister Incarnacion...We can only hope that they become lay missionaries in the end if they are no longer able to uphold their religious vows

But seriousness aside, I found it odd how I found this connection...Maybe it's an after effect for reading my Bible dailly...and as Martha Stewart would say, "And that's a good thing."

Getting One's Fill

2006-11-04T22:50:00.000-05:00

I know it's out of season to be fasting. It isn't Lent according to my religion, but of late I guess you might say its a personal penance of mine I'm undertaking. What I discovered how suddenly I no longer fill myself with material wants or even excess of food (although I still have my Starbucks weakness-everyone has a vice). I feel rejuvenated at the fact how I've been able to cut down on my eating and become productive again in terms of reading and writing, though it has been a slow uphill climb.

What has helped me? The Word no less. Fill one's mind and soul and the rest takes care of itself. I read on random the longest Psalm,#119. In it are all the priniciples I must undertake to stay strong in the fight I'm currently battling. I know, maybe I'm taking things too seriously, but things become out of control when our defenses are down.

No more fast food. No more sodas. More of purging myself of everything that seems unclean to me, with some moderation here and there. Hey, I'm not going to starve myself. The ascetic lifestyle is more fitted for monks ;) Although, my body would benefit from a little bit more manual labor, outside of regular work that pays the bills that is ;)

Selah!

Contest of Two Wills

2006-11-03T00:05:00.000-05:00

Before I stated how I was downtroddened about why God took away the only thing that really made me feel special and worthy in my eyes. Music is like creating something out of love, much like God created Adam and Eve. For me, each song is like a child I wish the world to hear and raise lovingly in their hearts. How shocked I was to think God suddenly would take this away...

I partly referred to God sending the devil's forces to test my faith. But then, at the same time, I wondered after reading the above book, more preciesely that the devil entered on his own accord and took my gift away then later deceiving me so quickly to blame God for removing a huge part of myself that makes me whole inside. His intention? To make me less a witness to God and less a believer that God is truly my defender in life.

So, the battle of good and evil continues. Perhaps that is why I am beginning to appreciate the Star Wars mythology. The Dark Side and The Force. One can be compelled to join the Dark Side (all about power) versus seeking balance in the universe (way of the Jedi). I mentioned in one of my million blogs how there exists an Anakin and a Luke Skywalker within us all. We ultimately decide which side to fall towards. We choose our path and our destiny depending on what light (or lack of light) we decide to use to guide our steps.

May the force be with you, always!

(Peace be with you!)

Strengthening the Buttresses of Faith

2006-11-01T20:48:00.000-05:00

I spontaneously found the church where I was baptized on my quest looking for a Starbucks I spotted earlier nearby. The church compelled me to enter and I felt a peace that I hadn't felt in a long time. I opted out of taking my usual Starbucks run to be filled with the Spirit versus a caramel macchiatto. That day would remind me of the following days thereafter where I searched for meaning and peace in my life. Dissatisfied with how my life was going I said a prayer and lit a candle for various intentions.

Lately, I have had another weakening of spirit. It can happen for different reasons. For one, it had something to do with what seemed likea falling out with a friend only to be misunderstood as venting from a very tired long day at school, though I still feel the aftershock. Apology accepted, forgive and forget, is my religious credo so we have patched things nicely. However, there has been another nick in my triumph over the compromising of one's faith. For some reason, I was doing quite nicely, reading the bible everyday, in the goal of trying to read the bible in its entirety by the end of the year...Perhaps caught on interpretation or dissonance in the way I believed versus what I read, I felt a frustration and stopped in my spiritual path.

Now stunted, I feel even more weaker than before! In the times when I was actively seeking God's presence in my life, I felt rejuvenated. Life had meaning. I was not afraid of anything or any of my own weaknesses, many of which I thought I had overcome. It seems funny how when the soul lapses back into usual MO, the harder it is to get back each time to where one has left off. Guilt and shame are key factors in my religion and often times it helps one refocus, but also can harbor self resentment in the way one feels he or she has become. It makes one question if he or she is worthy of God sometimes....

But just like a friend as mentioned before who dissed me, I had dissed God in some way?...Yet I know in my heart of hearts He forgives me and forgets what I have done out of simply being human.

Lord, I beseech you to intercede on my behalf again. I do not wish to slip back into that darkness where I no longer uttered your name unless to spite you. Lord, please, I beg your friendship to help me overcome what is to follow.

In Search of God...

2006-10-29T22:49:00.000-05:00

I was watching a documentary concerning hell. It mentioned how the only time the devil has permission to interfere with our lives is if God gives him access, as in the biblical story of Job. Forgive me if I jumble this up a bit, for I had been in a cloudy mood when I watched this, perhaps evidence of the devil acting in my life. I've had a personal struggle that I'd account for God acting on behalf of my welfare by blessing me with a trial by fire. Almost like an indirect encounter with the devil himself, though not visibly, I felt a great depression. I rose above that. Then another fall, like Jesus falling a second time on the cross. The devil entered again. This was an uphill climb for me. Then a third fall, not as hard but just as important. In each case, I overcame it for what reason?....That it was God's intention all along.

But there are current questions, struggles, confusions I have yet to resolve, like little devilish children playing their mischief insatiable with their hunger to make all of human frailty do their bidding. I had prayed, but realized my error. I prayed for what I wanted and thought I needed. I got frustrated and angry because in spite of doing what I thought was right, I felt unheard 10% of the time. That crucial 10% is what is needed in my life to change...but what 10% is needed?... Then I read somewhere that yes, all who ask shall receive. The clincher? All who ask under His will (and not thine own) shall be answered! ....Well, of course. NO wonder it was so difficult.!

Still, I pray for that drive...to pray according to His will, wondering what I desire in life is truly God's bidding. Why plant desires and ambitions and talents that are useless in the end and serve no end?...It is that of the human condition to want more and be more. My mistake? Again, to want more from life and others, forgetting that one should be asking more FROM oneself than FOR oneself. Rather than constantly receiving rewards we should be willing to give of oneself in the service of God that might make a difference in others' lives...

Which brings me to a dilemma? What is my truest calling? I came into the health care profession reluctantly, not because I didn't want to help people. I thought that in the end my creativity with music and songwriting could help others in some way. But in some regards, my current job gets me closer to those I help in direct contact with those I service. It is like a missionary work of some sort. Helping others recover after bringing life into the world. That is a joyous thing to be a part of I think. There have been times where I've helped a patient cry and vent their feelings and afterwards they felt better. Another, a father thanking me for helping them with their infant. Another saying what a wonderful job I've been doing. And another patient saying thank you incessantly for doing everything for her, where I was just doing my job...

Service for others...yes, like Jesus, I am like washing the feet of others, humbling myself in others presence. I'm no better than anyone else, but maybe this is where I'm called to?...Though, there are other things involved in work that casts doubts on what God is calling me to do....

I often wonder if God denies me certain things for a higher purpose yet to be revealed. I continue to search for God. Driving in the driver's seat, continue to look out the window hoping that at the next intersection I make the right choice -whether to continue the course I've been going or go Left or Right!....

God, your will be done!

It's in the Cards

2006-09-05T16:38:00.000-04:00

Lately, i've been really lackadaisical re: faith. Could it be the stress of work? The materialism of our society? Our society's values or lack of? Maybe and more. What strengthens me are hidden signs of God's little hidden messengers trying to convey His pep talks through outward signs. Today I walk into CVS helping my mother pick out a card. As I peruse random cards unrelated to her purpose, I come across a Maya Angelou card which tries to remind me of God's work in my life. Then not too long afterward I come across another card down the opposite of the aisle. It was beautifully yet simply illustrated with green trees and yellow sun. The message was how a prayer has been answered through one's journey towards faith...I took that as a sign, for not too long before, the night before to be exact, I prayed that I would overcome this obstacle.

It is true as I said before. Once we committ to something, it becomes harder for us to stay true to that but we must know that we have a responsibility towards that promise if we are to feel fulfilled. At least I keep trying to convince myself of that.

In an earlier post, I made a contract to diet to lose weight....Perhaps it would be appropriate to make a contract with God as well. To pray not just for ourselves, but in thanksgiving, for signs like this, to let us know that GOd is thinking about us, even in our times of weakness, especially during those times!

P.S> On a side note: After work, my mother and I used our Labor Day meal pass for a free breakfast. We spoke of our night's work, but then came along to mention GOd. I can't recall how or what led us to that point in our conversation...I think I did ask,however, that if my mother could meet God, what would she ask Him?....I loved what she said next:

"I'd ask Him, 'God, how are You?'"....

So many times we worry about how we are but do we even think how God is doing, especially with all that's going on in his creation? It made me think of God in a different light. Like a friendship...a divine agape (a term recently used by someone also on a journey towards faith).

Keep praying everyone...It is indeed powerful....I will update you later after my trip home to visit family. This will be my final post until I get back....
Namaste :)

A revelation...

2006-08-31T11:09:00.000-04:00

Okay, food doesn't naturally give me epiphanies; through its absence, it does wonders...Yes, I've decided to lose weight. Some will say I don't need to. Tell that to my three pair of jeans that have been tormented each time I lay a strecth to their stitches. I've basically busted out holes!!!!

So I made a contract with a friend at work. We signed exact copies stating that we'd eat healthier and exercise more. I'll be realistic so don't worry. I won't be signing my name next to Star Jones "secret" diet/not diet fiasco...What does all this reveal ?.....

It's once you've decided on something, committed to something you know is hard to do but worth it in the end, you're suddenly bombarded by temptations!

Take this morning...Been good with eating and exercising the last 3 days, then my mom comes in from the floor below with a Wendy's Frosty!!!! Aggg. Temptation number 1. Then this morning, donuts!!!!! Aggg, temptation 2....Thankfully, temptation 3 didnt manifest itself...All this aggravation over a dress fitting for a friend's wedding!

Anyway, on a more deeper level, I also recently recommitted myself to God. Also hard work but worth it in the end, in this life and thereafter...but always, temptations abound!...Aggggg, the truest test of our self-discipline.

So I pray to God for stamina in both these endeavors....May I stay steadfast and true!

-Peace & light!

Levity Out of Gravity

2006-08-08T12:47:00.000-04:00

We Need More Billboards Like These!

2006-08-03T01:36:00.000-04:00

Designer Jeans= $39.99

Video iPod = $399.99

Fast Food Combo = $3.99

God's Love = Priceless....

(c) 2006 azil

Staying "Off" Topic...:)

2006-07-31T01:09:00.000-04:00

Jesus Freak Am I

2006-07-31T00:20:00.000-04:00

I'm used to be known as a geek a nerd or even just weird. Wouldn't it be great to be all these things for a good cause? So I'm coming out of the incensed closet! I'm a Jesus Freak! WHoooooo HooooOOOO! I'm trying hard to live out more spiritually. Based on the above book I'm reading, I'm getting there slowly. I'm redirecting how I pray these days, less self focused and more balanced this time. I plan to make it a point to learn more verses from the Bible for there are words that are uplifting and can encourage others when shared with others. In this book there is even a list of verses to learn that it suggests all "Jesus Freaks" learn! I can say, in my spiritual journey so far, the inner change has been positive. I fear it can be taken away by those who don't like freaks of my sort but that just shows you how much further I have to grow. I desperately would like to work outside of myself, but often I allow the fear of circumstances of living at home and honor the family to keep in a tower like Rapunzel. I know God is probably just preparing my time to blossom out of this cocoon, so until I'm ready I will wait. Forcing myself out too soon might only make me less stronger than planned by God. Trust in HIs timing is what I've learned.

With the above, one might think I'm all red roses and butterflies inside, but I go through the normal ups and downs and live through those normal in betweens we all are facing. I just like to testify that God does make a difference with great faith. I pray that others will find Him in their life. Has he found you? If not yet, pick this book up....

Other suggested reading...Case for Faith..by Lee Strobel (studen edition)

Return to Faith

2006-07-21T17:26:00.000-04:00

The Prodigal Son

A few months ago, I was going through a trial of faith. Nearly to the point of foregoing everything I once believed in. Then a book by Lee Strobel brought me back (A Case for Faith-Student Edition). Though I may still have doubts, they are ones of a believer!!! And so I return at the feet of the Lord, who take me in his arms to guide and protect me, in spite of my past and my weaknesses.

We Need A Savior...Until The Savior Comes, We'll Settle for Superman!!!

2006-07-05T23:56:00.002-04:00

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=6767629285148705629

Nacho Libre & Salvation... :) The Lighter Side...

2006-06-19T00:01:00.000-04:00

Here's a trailer of Nacho Libre..."You fight for someone who needs your help...only then will God bless you in battle."...

This film, loopy and crazy as Napoleon Dynamite yet kid friendly with a dash of faith in between, it makes one's hopes raised. It's a great lesson in which we live...We live our own battles...we may keep losing, but what are we really fighting for?...Are we fighting for ourselves, to prove our worth?...For self glory?...Or do we struggle to help others so that they may have the glory?...So much is said in between the still frames of this film...I highly recommend it...

I don't know the character's name (the skinny guy) of Ignacio's friend but what's funny is the scene when the skinny guy says, "I don't believe in God. I believe in science."....Watch the rest of the film to see what happens to him....

Nachoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.....(who?)

Popping Pop Culture...

2006-06-15T09:31:00.000-04:00

With my excitement with Superman Returns coming to theaters, I've been trying to read up on philosophy and the concept of the superheroe mythology. I read a little of Joseph Campell's book that touches on our human tradition that dates as far back as B.C. for our creation of hero myths. I have also started books regarding superheroes and philosophy in general and the above book, "Holy Superheroes!"...This is my way of trying to live my own life as a "superhero". My unassuming disguise is one people see at work even at home but there is a superhero of faith cocooned within me that I know someday will burgeon into something more...hopefully to a great purpose not so much to glorify myself, but in a way that makes me feel that I have been useful to others in this world...

I plan to write and create novels in the future, perhaps a graphic novel of some sort like "Blankets" by Craig Thompson (I need to pick up a copy one of these days).

My superpowers are of creativity and I hope to use them soon (I have already stamped my musical mark online.)

Being Cool

2006-06-12T09:01:00.000-04:00

Life is hard enough to be too serious!
Just be cool! :).....

To Be or Not to Be Evil...

2006-06-06T21:45:00.000-04:00

In response to a comment posted on my last entry, what if one chose to be evil...hmmmm, what would one do?...Take that question further...what would you do if you knew you were the Antichrist?...Out of fear, I don't want to know, but I'm sure there are plenty of things people could think of...scarily enough. (Which is one reason I counteract this blog's chosen picture with Damien next to a cross!)

But alas, yes, we're at a crossroads...to be or not to be evil (or at least a little disobedient in some cases -lol).

But of course I don't believe in any of this superstitious mumbo jumbo. There's only one thing that matters to me...

And now, off to say my 50 Hail Mary's....(smile)

Power to Fly

2006-06-04T23:10:00.000-04:00

For whatever reason people are drawn to them, superheroes symbolize different things to different people. For example, I just saw X-Men: The Last Stand tonite. There are many subtle themes disguised in the fight for mutant rights. The theme of using one's powers for good or bad is one. Or knowing how much we are capable of doing, the sacrifice we must make to make the world right. It's like in Spiderman (can you tell I'm a superhero fan?), "With great power comes great responsibilty!" as said by Peter Parker's uncle. HOw very true. And as for the ultimate mission given to Superman (I love the promos for Superman Returns recycled from the original by Marlon Brando):

Jor-El: Even though you've been raised as a human being you're not one of them. They can be a great people, Kal-El, they wish to be. They only lack the light to show the way. For this reason above all, their capacity for good, I have sent them you... my only son

(To change the meaning of the above to what it now means to me personally, replace "Kal-El" with the obvious choice...wink wink...if you're following the theme of this blog so far, you probably know already where I'm going with this).

At any rate, I've posed this question from time to time (guess my goal in making these posts short has gone down the tubes): "Hypothetically and without thinking about your lack of desire to have superpowers, if you could have a superpower what would it be?" To be invisible? To have unearthly strength? To have xray vision? To fly? Before posting this, superficially I thought I would want to fly. The view of landscapes and places I could visit is unfathomable! Then I thought more as I wrote this and felt, the greatest power is to be able to influence the world to do good, to be good to one another and helping others to do the same (like paying it forward in a sense). And then it hit me as it did a few days ago, I could start an online ministry of sorts. I wouldn't know what to do since I'm new and perhaps am not even using the term or concept correctly. But what a way to reach others during a time where most people get lost often times literally for hours online! IN just coming across this site, I could help someone like me who once was "fallen" and wishes to fly...

Which brings me back to my fascination with flying...My aunt thought most people would want to fly. I pondered that deeply and voiced that perhaps our longing to fly is a longing to be back to our "real" home...where we were conceived only in abstract terms by a greater superhero. We are just a bunch of fallen angels trying to earn back our wings...Or at least that's my secular opinion. Don't get all fanatical on me to those out there who disagree ;)

In light of this topic, I would like to do more research about the origins of superheroes and the psychologcal and perhaps spiritual influnces they may have. (Darn, I should have stayed a psychology major)!

A World Too Worldly

2006-05-29T09:11:00.000-04:00

I try hard to be faithful and pure of heart, but it is difficult when the human soul is prone to things like envy, and love that can corrupt, or slander, or gossip heard by others, or cussing or even using the Lord's name in vain...

I worry that perhaps the lack of respect of what was once sacred is one of the reasons our world is what it is...I say, behold be warned. Change your ways. I have seen darkness. And just because one has escaped it briefly, for a day, a month or years, does not mean it cannot reenter your life. One must stay steadfast against the blight of evil, however small or large! Beware! You all have been warned .

The Lord Rocks!

2006-05-19T22:51:00.000-04:00

I realized something. In recommitting myself to the Lord, I've found a new strength. An inner peace. The strength to smile. To stike up conversations with strangers. Beome more generous. To be comfortable in my discomfort. To have faith in my greatest time of doubt. To accept challenges I'd rather turn away from. To seek truth and wisdom. to redesign my thinking and my life so it reflects what I believe. From now on I shall ask the Lord to help me when I'm most at risk of losing Him.